Between partners there is an unwritten contract that they are usually unaware of. The contract is “written” the very moment of falling in love. There was a moment of bliss, in which each side completed the other, filled in some inner gap inside the other, and for a short period there was a feeling of wholeness.
The contract says: “each side is supposed to bring some inborn quality of his/hers into the relationship so that harmony will be created”.
For instance, he brings in practicality; she brings in lightness and grace. He brings gentleness, and she brings devotion and decisiveness etc… Every conflict between the partners is actually fed on a violation of that contract.
If we want to solve a conflict from its root, the following question should be asked: “which of my partner’s qualities I miss in the conflictual situation?” in fact we must understand that this quality is actually absent within us, we miss it.
It helps a lot to stop and recall those first few weeks of falling in love, and to remind ourselves what we have fallen in love with. We want to learn about ourselves, we want to feel whole and we do it through our partner!